Synopsis of the discussion
Kathy and I both "came in hot" in the first round of discussion (which starts at 15:36), the way debaters from the left and from the right on TV might, exhaustively issuing all of our opinions at once.
Kathy said that taking down statues can be a slippery slope, is erasing history, and that it's up to families to teach their children about the meaning of a statue. She argued that the left assigns too much meaning to statues, which are inanimate objects that represent a point in history.
I argued that we're surrounded by reminders of primarily White figures, that many of these statues were put in place to tell only that group's story, and the statues' presence subsumes a fuller discussion of history: history isn't being erased, it hasn't been fully written. I argued for a tearing down of assumptions and for a true telling of the story of racism in America.
Bill then offered three ways to bridge divides (at 39:48)
1) Start soft 2) Discuss one point at a time; hand the ball back 3) Listen for areas you agree on
Kathy and I implemented these tactics in the second round (which starts at 43:12). It felt different and better. Although I still wanted to "win," I felt less anxious about getting all of my points across, and was more open to hear what Kathy had to say. We agreed that the statues represent "who's heard" and how they can cause or stifle debate.
We came up with some possible solutions, including having education and reflection about the meaning of statues, adding statues of Black heroes in civic spaces, and perhaps making statues out of biodegradable materials as a way to honor life's impermanence.
"Not looking to win, looking to explore"
I often post workshops offered by Braver Angels. Since I hold myself to do everything that I post in CivicList, I felt it was time to try it out. I was moved by the Angels' call to explore, rather than win.
I thought it was a worthwhile practice, because it helped Kathy and me be vulnerable; whereas family debates tended to be stoic, and preempted deeper exploration of politics and ourselves, having the structured dialogue helped us open up a bit and not be afraid to discuss a sensitive topic. As a result, I think we prioritized our relationship over the politics of the day, and grew closer.
"Seeing each other as s citizen, not a side"
I hope to remember to implement Bill's tactics when discussing complex political issues with folks, because maintaining and improving relationships is the most important thing we can do for each other in our short time on this planet. |